


Let's have a party

by Chelidona (Hobbity), islandkate



Series: Middle Earth NOT Midgard! [4]
Category: Being Human (UK), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Almighty Johnsons, The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Canon was put in a highspeed blender, Crack, M/M, Potty Humour, Spot the prompt game, and added angst, now with a added fluff, our boys are put to the test
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-20
Updated: 2017-02-17
Packaged: 2018-09-18 20:47:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9402302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hobbity/pseuds/Chelidona, https://archiveofourown.org/users/islandkate/pseuds/islandkate
Summary: Loki is about to make the party in Asgard way more interesting - a prompt filled continuation of Fíli and Kíli's adventures with Bragi and Mitchell in Asgard. Written for the WinterFRE in an attempt to cram in as many prompts as possible. See if you can spot them all!





	1. Holo

**Author's Note:**

> This little story just sets up a new series of adventures of our lively quartet! More fun to come soon!  
> (Part of this is parallel to the previous story - "I thought only kids do that")

While, on the whole, much inferior to Asgardians, the lowly Midgardian mind came up with useful concepts every now and then. Or so Loki found. On one of his clandestine trips to the forbidden realm, he got bored causing havoc in a hotel and switched the TV on in a room just vacated by a bickering couple, each having just caught the other cheating (or rather, fallen for one of Loki’s little illusions). 

And the channel that came on played the most fascinating little thing ever: Star Trek. Now, most of it was pure and utter nonsense, evidence of the weak imagination and the limited knowledge the Midgardians had. But … just when he wanted to switch channels and watch some housewives scream at each other, a new episode started! Centering on something called a “holodeck.” Challenge accepted.

***

“They are brownies,” Thor explained with delight, as he offered the sweets to Kíli, who wolfed them down. “I got them as a present from a very friendly Midgardian. We cleared out vampires from his building.”

The palace was brimming with a feast of enormous proportions even by Asgardian standards. 

Mitchell was not the only vampire who found it hard to adjust to Asgard …. most of them found it harder in fact, because they didn’t have a new boyfriend to entertain themselves with.

Thor and his friends had decided that the best way to make the newcomers to Asgard welcome was a gigantic feast. Together with Bragi, he wheedled an invitation for Fíli and Kíli out of Odin too. Mitchell suspected that even Odin just wanted his peace from time to time.

Now, the vampire was watching as Kíli happily destroyed what he was sure were weed brownies. 

Later, Mitchell went looking for his boyfriend. Bragi gone off earlier, in a huff because Mitchell had dared to talk to Hodr instead of lavishing all of his attention on the needy so called god of poetry. Just as he was about to give up, somebody groped his bottom. Only one person would dare, so he smiled as he turned around, and put his own hand’s on Bragi’s own beautiful bottom.

“There you are! thought you ditched me for better company tonight.”

Bragi bopped Mitchell’s nose. “Silly. I always come back to you.”

Something was odd about his voice and Mitchell looked a bit closer at his boyfriend, who was holding his nose with one hand, “What’s wrong with your nose?”

“I got a walnut stuck in it.”

“You what?”

“A walnut. It’s in my nose.”

“How did you get that up your nose?”

Bragi didn’t answer. But he looked extremely pathetic. And very drunk. 

Mitchell was about to bang his head against a pillar, when Fíli and Kíli wobbled towards them. Fíli was doing his best to keep Kíli upright. He clearly had never caught on to the fact that they were weed brownies. Mitchell sighed. He extricated himself from Bragi, slinging an arm around Kíli to steady him. 

“Let’s get all of you lot out. You need fresh air.”

***

Bragi, one of the many thorns in Loki’s long sides, was heavily intoxicated, as were Fíli and Kíli. Mitchell, his brother’s new lover, was disappointingly sober, but the idiot tended to follow Bragi wherever he went. Perfect.

Loki took on the form of a servant and approached the group, uttering an invitation from Lord Thor to come and join the entertainment. They would never follow Loki, unfortunately. Only Thor was still gullible enough to try one of Loki’s inventions.

Kili stumbled and the group stopped while he got back on his feet. He stared dumbly at the Loki/servant and tried to understand why he was moving so smoothly, “I don’t think that was a normal brownie…are you flying?”

Satisfied that his beloved brother was uninjured, Fili brushed him off and shushed him. The whole group continued until they reached a large, enclosed chamber.

Thor waited inside with a wide grin, “My friends! Look what new entertainment we have devised! A virtual reality theater!”

Mitchell squinted suspiciously but said nothing, preferring to cuddle his very inebriated boyfriend.


	2. Being prompted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The holo fun begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, a whole lot of prompt fun on the holodeck! See if you can find all the prompts ;)

Thor proceeded to explain how the chamber used various long and complicated processes to make people appear in stories. Bragi was ecstatic! He demanded that he be included in the first production. He marched to a wall and waved his hand over a glowing signal. A screen appeared that read, “Modern AU. Dante Gabriel Rossetti is a musician. He meets Mark, known for his lyrics, after a concert. Sparks fly.”

An hour later, he was sweaty and tired and horny. Mitchell had been a fabulous partner and Bragi had been fully in his element as a lyricist. Fili and Kili jumped from their chairs, applauding and cheering. No one noticed that Thor and the servant had disappeared.

“Your turn,” Bragi announced, before crawling into Mitchell's lap.

Fili and Kili shuffled over to the sigil. “Let’s pretend we’re strangers,” Kili whispered.

Fili nodded and set another scene in motion. Suddenly the whole chamber was a dimly lit restaurant. Bragi and Mitchell continued to canoodle in a large secluded booth in the back. The only sounds we're a soft lapping and a whistle.

The projected image of a dark-haired woman sat next to Fili and complained loudly. Kili appeared next to him, confused. “What are we doing again, Fee?”

“You’re not allowed to use that name,” Fili reminders him, then smiled and continued in a whisper, “You’re my waiter and I’m on a really crappy date with an asshole. What about you?”

Kili read from a glowing note on his hand, “I’m on the verge of tears because of a rude customer and you step in and stand up for me.” The brunette woman, whose name turned out to be Michelle, took that as her cue to berate Kili about everything imaginable, from the decor of the restaurant, to the wine, the food, and the annoying whistle.

Mitchell's voice broke the silence, “Hold on! I can fix the whistle! It's making me crazy!” He shoved Bragi flat against the dark red leather seat of the booth. His voice softened as he looked at his beloved, “Why is there a walnut in your nose?”

Bragi blushed. “Kili and I were debating whether Fili or I had a handsomer nose,” the blonde slurred, “Apparently, dwarves value a large nose and Kili demonstrated by sliding the walnut in and out of his nose easily.” He hiccoughed quietly and managed to turn a deeper shade of red, “But when he tried it with my nose, he had to shove hard and it wouldn't come back out.”

Mitchell was banging his head on the table. Kili was nodding solemnly. Michelle’s eyes rolled so far that she surely saw her own brain.

Grabbing something from her purse, she got up and stalked over to Bragi and Mitchell’s booth. “Move,” she ordered, waving the vampire out of her way, “I'm a doctor. Let's get this over with.”

She dropped onto the seat, straddling Bragi’s chest, and used a huge forceps to yank the nut out before he had a chance to protest. He still voiced a loud objection and screamed as if she had scrambled his brain about and ripped it out through his nostril.

Dr. Michelle turned back to her date, huffed and walked toward the door, “I'm out of here, losers.” Her exit triggered the mechanism and the whole chamber shifted from a restaurant to a tattoo parlor.

Mitchell found himself still standing over Bragi, but now the blonde God was stripped to the waist and his gorgeous soft fur of chest hair had been waxed clean off. A half-finished tattoo marked his perfect pecs. Only then did Mitchell feel his right hand vibrating insistently. He looked down, realized he was holding the tattoo machine, and threw it aside. Bragi looked from Mitchell to his chest and back to Mitchell in shock.

Before either of them could say anything, Kili threw up. The combination of weed brownies, mead, ale, and the sudden swirl of colors as the room changed completely overwhelmed his equilibrium. Fili swooped him up in his arms and carried him to the reclining chair next to Bragi, which was conveniently also next to a sink and bucket. He kicked at the still-powered machine jittering and dancing around the floor. Then he wet two clean cloths, one to clean Kili and the other for Mitchell to take care of Bragi. He no sooner turned to give Mitchell advice on caring for a Bragi's tattoo than his face contorted in anger. He pointed at Bragi's chest and thundered, “How did you know to draw that?”

Mitchell actually took a step back.

Fili continued in a very Thorin-like voice, loud and brusque, “We have the same exact tattoo but it can’t be possible, because I drew mine myself without any reference.”

Kili snapped out of his stupor and pulled his brother close. Exaggerating his need for attention and murmuring words of love to calm him. The other couple tried not to eavesdrop, but were pretty sure they heard, “You’re my Arkenstone.”

Finally, Bragi had a groggy epiphany. He squinted at where he thought the door should be and grumbled, “Loki!”

On the other side of the door they could hear Loki laughing. 

“Loki!” Mitchell shouted too. “Why are you outside? And where is Thor?” Bragi tugged at Mitchell’s sleeve, he was so close to the answer, it was buried just beneath the fog in his brain. “There was no real Thor here, was there?” Mitchell asked, rubbing his face. He should have known. How could he not have suspected? “Loki!” He shouted again, “Kíli is ill, let us out!”

“Kíli?” They heard Thor’s voice booming outside, stopping Loki’s laughter. “Brother, what are you doing here? Why are you not with our friends?”

Kíli blinked, staring towards the voices of Loki and Thor. Why could he hear them but not see them? Suddenly, Kili's world swirled like his worst hangover, again. But he didn't need Fili to splash water on his face because he was in the ocean. He looked at his body. There was fur. Beautiful brown, sleek fur! And flippers! Oh, Mahal! This one was some kind of selkie alternate universe. He swam to the surface a heard Fili screaming his name on the beach. He was probably still upset, so he ducked back under and swam quickly toward the sand.

Mitchell and Bragi were trying to keep Fili calm. Landing on the beach without Kili was traumatic. When a big seal lumbered onto the beach and started following them, however, they didn't get it. Eventually, Kili figured out he could change to human form. With a huff and a shimmer, he was lying on the sand completely naked.

“Kili!” Fili yelled, throwing himself at the brunette lying prone at the edge of the surf line.

“Clothes?” Kili asked. Clearly unhappy about his situation.

“A collar?” Bragi suggested. Everyone gave him a dirty look in return. “What happened to yours?” Bragi tried.

Kili held up the selkie pelt. “Am I supposed to know the workings of your brother's strange games?”

“Well, no, it’s not everyday you’re transformed into an animal.”

And before anyone could respond, or get Kili clothes, the swirling color vortex was back. Fili grabbed his brother tightly.

They landed in another restaurant. Mitchell recognized it as a Red Hot World Buffet and laughed. He looked at his beautiful blonde lover and laughed. “We’re both eyeing the last chicken drumsticks at the all-you-can-eat buffet. It's such a human thing!” Bragi plopped them all on his plate, knowing Mitchell would take what he wanted. The four filed around the various serving platforms while Mitchell described foods that were new to the other three. He was surprised when Fili loaded up his plate with peanut butter cookies, however.

On the way to their table, Mitchell cut Fili from the group just as he popped a cookie in his mouth, "Why did you just eat that?”

“They're so good! I love them! I didn't know if I'd ever get them again,” the blonde dwarf replied.

“So you don't remember what happened when you ate the peanuts on Asgard?”

Fili's eyes grew wide, but he defiantly ate another cookie.

“Your funeral, my friend,” Mitchell teased and stretched his long legs to catch up with the others.

The four friends ate for quite a while, sobering up, telling jokes, and generally enjoying each other's company, until Fili's eyes grew wide again. Then they started to water with effort. Kili and Mitchell recognized the signs, but Bragi remained unaware.

A few minutes later, a noise like a trumpeting elephant stunned the restaurant patrons. The smell that followed could only be described as noxious.

Kili fell off his chair laughing.

Bragi looked stunned, “What was that?”

Mitchell answered, “That, my love, would be Fili and the Ghost of the Peanut Butter Cookies!! *Dun-dun-dun*”

There was another trumpeting and Bragi would have sworn he saw a green cloud swirling amongst the colors as their world changed again, “Where in Laufey's frozen asshole are we now?”

Everyone looked around at their surroundings: excessive ornamentals, eclectic collections of historic styles, Asian influence, a pipe, and a deerstalker cap. Then they all looked at Mitchell.

“We appear to be in a Victorian detectives AU this time,” he said.

“Firelight and romance?” Bragi asked.

Mitchell smiled and nodded.

All four made good use of the feather beads, the dawning light, the dying embers in the fireplaces, and the idea of lazy cozy mornings.

And then they were unceremoniously dumped into a small metal box. Well, Bragi and Fili found themselves in a small metal box.

Kili was hysterical. His two favorite people were stuck in a box between floors and he couldn't help them. Mitchell gave up trying to calm him and just handed him the emergency telephone handset so he could talk to Fili while he himself went to look for help. 

Mitchell first tried to shout for Loki again, but all he heard in response was something that sounded suspiciously like moaning. He needed to find help on his own then.

When he came back to Kíli, he had a team of special ops help that all looked familiar. 

Mitchell took the phone from Kili and waved him over to the new group for introductions. “Ok,” he said into the receiver, “sit tight. We’ve got help,” then he hung up.

“Hi. I'm Kili.”

“Sergeant John Porter.”

“Group Captain James Stagg.”

“Doctor Watson.”

“Corporal Bryan Casey.”

“Sergeant Syd Gurton.”

“Captain Joseph Savage.”

“Great,” Mitchell wrapped up. “Who's got the explosives? Let's get our boys out!”

While introductions were being made outside, Fili replaced his handset in its cradle. “Well…”

Bragi looked at him intently.

“We’re stuck in an elevator but you have a really nice after shave.”

Bragi huffed.

Outside Mitchell was being pumped for last minute details. “No names,” Porter admonished.

“A and B are stuck in a lift (elevator) for 12 hours. A and B also started out disliking each other. So the sooner we get them out, the better.”

Kili closed his eyes as Stagg slapped a chunk of grey plastic on the part of the elevator door visible to them.

When he opened his eyes, they were in the desert. Mitchell and Bragi identified it as Ancient Egypt. He was apparently the Pharaoh’s son demanding a new personal slave. He was not prepared to be fascinated by the golden locks, pale skin and lovely dimples of his new possession as Fili walked in wearing nothing but a loincloth and intricate paintings covering the rest of his body, except his face.

Mouths we're still hanging open when they careened into another setting. Kili was clearly still affected by what he'd just seen and breathing heavily, despite his position under the flowered arch as groom. He looked ready to jump Fili right there.

Bragi looked around to determine what was happening. Behind him Mitchell held a camera but wasn't using it. “Great!” Bragi told him, “You’re the photographer. I’m the best man. This wedding is a cluster-fuck. Let’s get out of here!”

Mitchell followed him to a secluded alcove where they indulged in a few minutes of reassuring kisses. He looked the camera again thinking of the old wives tale in which they say that photographs can steal a soul, but he felt safe behind the lens rather than in front of it. He was wrong. 

He picked up the camera again and tried to focus on Bragi but all he saw was naked skin in front of the lens. “Bragi!”

His blonde laughed and pulled his pants back up just as Fili and Kili joined them.

“It's getting strange out there!” Kili complained. Fili held tight against him, protectively. Mitchell's eyebrows drew closer together in concern, but before he could reply, the lights went out. They stumbled through the darkness, fingers intertwined, hands holding on so tightly it begins to hurt. Kili's cry of “Don’t let go!” Was the last thing they heard as everything went pitch black.

When the lights came back on, they were in yet another restaurant. Squashed together in the corner of a kitchen leaning into a chef who looked terribly put out by their proximity. Bragi, the closest, pushed the chef’s hips away and asked, “Is that?”

The small blonde chef with dreads and strange iridescent scaled legs retorted furiously, “I’m a chef, of course that’s a banana in my pocket!”

He pushed the group away and went over to inspect what were apparently their creations. “You call THIS a banana split?” He shook his head sadly, “I did not train with Chef Ramsay to work with such clueless idiots. The banana is so green it looks like pistachio!”

With that he slithered out of the kitchen and the swirling vortex sucked them in again. 

And spat them out as public urinals. Luckily, or unluckily, they could still communicate in some telepathic manner. Someone thought, “Oops, we accidentally got turned into inanimate objects!”

Then another thought “You better hope we can do something about this.” 

Then there was a scream and a flush before they opened their eyes in the desert.

“I'm dead. I've been peed on. Someone just kill me now.” Bragi’s litany of complaints continued but went ignored once the others realized that he was not actually dying. He shut up when a herd of wild horses ran past, with a small group of Comanche.

Mitchell whooped and threw a hat he hadn't realized he was holding. “Alright! Wild West! I’ve seen a lot of movies about this!”


	3. Here be commitment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter by islandkate. Our boys continue their holodeck adventures stumbling through various WinterFRE prompts, but this one is to be filed under prompt 29: "Fighting like cats and dogs."  
> A bit of plot and fluff also sneaked in.  
> Enjoy!

In retrospect, startling a party of nervous Comanche when you look like four white men was probably not his finest decision. Luckily, their arrows seem aimed only to keep the group from running and Bragi was able to use his power and talk their way out of it. He even got them invited back to camp for dinner. No one liked being split up to ride, but it was better than walking.

While Bragi talked with the tribal elders, Fili and Kili played with the children. They were about the same height and happy to teach each other skills. Mitchell sat under a tree and rested, watching the scene. He hoped they would switch to a new one soon, because he was hiding an injury and didn't want his friends to worry. One of the arrows had grazed him deeply. He'd been able to seal it on the outside with his saliva, but it was black and blue. Now he was feeling feverish and just wanted to take a nap. Both highly unusual for a vampire. He didn't know how much later he finally started to wake up slow, but he was inside a tipi, a shaman tending him, and his head in Bragi's lap.

Gentle fingers twisted in his curls as his very anxious boyfriend tried to comfort both of them. Watery blue eyes showed clearly that whatever he had missed had not been pleasant. “Welcome back,” Bragi whispered, “I thought I lost you.”

Mitchell reached up and clasped one of the Asgardian’s hands. He tried to answer but found he was too weak. That was strange.

“I don't know what's going on here, but the thought of losing you was more than I could bear, “ Bragi continued, “I don't want to be separated from you, ever.” He paused. “Bond with me and stay with me always?”

Kili glared at Fili, got up, and stormed out of the tipi…

...and into a veterinary clinic. He was immediately overwhelmed by the dogs shouting at him. Not barking, shouting, at him.

“Why don't they ever tell me who's a good boy? Is it me?”

“It's bacon!”

“Someone better take me outside or I'm going to piddle a puddle right here!”

By the time Fili caught up with him, the brunette dwarf was buried in a dog pile of epic proportions, laughing and talking to the dogs. Fili, however, only heard barking, and cats yelling at him.

“Human! Bring me one of those chicken treats!”

“Human! Scratch my belly!”

“Hoomin? Boop my head? I'm lonely.”

The last was a orange tabby kitten in a crate alone. Fili crouched and opened the door but the tiny tabby shot out screaming, “Sucker!”

The dogs immediately abandoned Kili and made chase.

“What are you doing? You prancing orc snot!” Kili was clearly even angrier now.

Mitchell walked in the front door with Bragi, “I know it’s our first date but I have to go and deliver a wildebeest.”

Bragi smiled and nodded, “Well, at least you’ll have a good story for our second date.” They were kissing before they realized they'd been sucked into another story.

“What the fu…” Mitchell began, only to be cut off by Bragi checking him over from head to toe.

“You’re okay!”

“You asked me to marry you!”

“Yes!”

“Yes!”

They were both jumping and hugging like excited children.

Eventually, they noticed their companions fighting like cats and dogs. Around them, it seemed the the waiting room had filled with NPC’s and all of them had divided along the lines of cat person vs dog person, urging on the dwarves’ argument. Even the animals were egging them on.

“It looks like we can speak to animals in this one,” Mitchell observed.

“I'm only interested in talking to my betrothed right now,” came Bragi's reply. Then he ceased all conversation and pulled his miraculously healed lover into a searing kiss.

A loud whooping sound made them break apart, that and the need for air. Fili was standing in the center of a robust village. Kili was running toward the foothills screaming and hooting about being home.

Mitchell took a deep, shaky breath and clenched his jaw, “Humans.”

That made Bragi stop and assess their surroundings. He began to vibrate with excitement, then rattled off his findings, “Norway, Viking era. Fili and Kili are the village’s best warriors.” He sniffed the air and grimaced, “They also hunt trolls.”

“Trolls?” Mitchell was incredulous, “like with the three billy goats gruff, under the bridge?”

“Says the vampire with a werewolf best friend,” His blonde fiancé looked back at him, nonplussed.

“Touché.” The vampire grinned and the two motioned to Fili before jogging after the brunette quickly disappearing in the distance.

Evening found them in a cozy cave, snuggling around a warm fire, full from a couple of rabbits that Kili had shot and Fili had roasted over the fire. 

For once, they had been allowed to stay in one environment for what felt like a few hours but was probably less. They enjoyed their rest; as it was evening here, they decided they might as well try and catch some sleep.

Mitchell and Bragi were content and quickly fell asleep in their nest of clothes, but Kili was still restless and didn't curl into Fili's embrace as he was accustomed.

“Nadad?” Fili began, “What have I done? This is so unlike you. People may call me the sun and you the moon because of our coloring, but truly, you hold the sun in your smile and your laughter.” He stroked the darker prince’s cheek, but said prince only pouted sullenly. “What has stolen the light from your eyes?”

“You! All of this!” Kili waved his arm to indicate everything, “Them!” He huffed bitterly, “I see them in the same circumstances we are and they become closer and even choose to wed. Yet we,” a single tear slipped from his eye and he hastily swiped at it, “we have never even discussed our future.”

Fili was gobsmacked. He had honestly never contemplated a life that did not include Kili. Every good memory included him. How could he even begin to express… Instead, he pulled his brother close, wrapping his arms and legs around him in as tight a hug as he could manage. “Azyungal. Givashel. My life became complete the day you were born. Only in nightmares have I ever imagined a life that did not include you by my side. I am sorry that I did not make you see that.”

Kili leaned in, nuzzling against Fili's neck. “If we were not for Thorin’s demands for a political match and heirs, would you marry me?”

Oh. There was the real problem. “Beloved. I will not be marrying any foreign princess or rich dwarf’s daughter for a petty political alliance. You are my one. I will marry you or no one. It is up to you if we marry or remain as we are. Either way, I will only ever love you.”

Kili sighed and rested more comfortably against his elder prince amidst their pile of clothing and furs on the cave floor. “I love you, Fili,” he mumbled as he drifted off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked this as much as I (chelidona) did :D


	4. Trolls Snow Angels and rock n'roll

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In short succession Fili, Kili, Bragi and Mitchell face trolls, thugs, an impromptu concert and parenthood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even though I (Chelidona) am posting it, it was Islandkate who wrote it!  
> This is a crack fill for the WinterFRE of course, where Islandkate took the challenge to use every prompt on the list! But for the purposes of entering the raffle, let's file this under "snow angels"

Bragi woke up cradled against Mitchell's chest, but the one arm holding him in place was too tight. If that wasn't annoying enough, the hand across his mouth prevented him from asking him to ease up. Mitchell's voice finally penetrated the sleepy fog in Bragi's brain, “Don’t scream. You might wake up more than just your neighbors.” 

The hand then turned him to look at the still sleeping dwarves and then swiveled to three snoring trolls. “Can you be calm?”

Bragi nodded and Mitchell passed him his clothes before moving to wake up the dwarves. Luckily, Fili was a light sleeper and scouted the trolls while Kili finished dressing. In retrospect, it might have been better if he had waited, be cause none of them were prepared for a near death experience.

Watching Fili fly through the air was the absolute most terrifying thing that Kili had ever seen. Until Fili landed on his back in the snow with his eyes open and unblinking, his whole body unmoving. When did trolls start throwing potential meals?

Kili ran out of the cave and threw himself on Fili, screaming his name, shaking him, and crying. “Fili! Fili! Fee, don't leave me! Don't die! You flew like a dragon through the trees! Ori will want to write that down! Feeeeeeeeeee!”

Fili groaned. Greedily sucking air into his lungs. Then he started waving his arms and legs.

“What are you doing?” Kili asked.

“Making snow angels, but but you're my favorite angel!”

Kili looked at their companions, very confused.

“Concussion,” Mitchell suggested. He wiped his chin. “Don't worry about the trolls anymore.”

Just as they felt the swirl start, Bragi squinted, “Is that a mistletoe tucked into your belt?” But when they landed in a parking lot, it was gone.

That is, he landed in a parking lot, facing a gang of thugs with bats and pipes. He had no idea what he'd done, but talking wasn't helping. Just then, Mitchell roared up between them on a motorcycle so loud that he could barely hear what Mitchell said. He didn't need to know to get on.

Mitchell pulled away, only to stop a few miles away, checking Bragi over for injuries. Bragi couldn't stop laughing, “I’m about to get beaten to a pulp and then you ride up on your Harley looking all badass and offering me a ride and them trip to the hospital. I love you!” 

Before his vampire could respond, however, they were interrupted by a catcalling construction worker with blonde hair and a braided mustache whose brunette coworker had a man bun and a sunny smile.

And with a flash, these construction workers became guests at a fancy dress party as Slash and Axl Rose and now everyone wanted them to do a Karaoke/Air guitar performance.

Fili looked at Kili, “OMG, what are we gonna do?”

Fili swayed his hips suggestively, “We’re gonna play! But we need backup!” He called out to the party guests to find the rest of their “band” and pretty soon Bragi and Mitchell crowd surfed their way to the impromptu stage.

“This will end in tears,” Mitchell said, dropping behind a drum set.

“Tears of laughter,” Bragi replied with a wink before mumbling something to the audience. Then he nodded to Fili and they broke into the worst rendition of Welcome To The Jungle ever performed, but the crowd loved it.

They were in tears themselves, laughing as they bowed at the end, but when they stood up, their world had changed again. Mitchell was a young social worker about to make a tough decision as a vulnerable family was on the verge of eviction from their home. 

Bragi was Anders, the oldest ‘kid’ and while only about Mitchell's age, he was taking care of of his siblings (Fili and Kili - now mysteriously being called Axl and Ty) alone since their parents had gone awol. Mutual attraction made things more difficult for Mitchell because how can he be objective when he just wants to jump Anders bones and have them all move in with him?

Suddenly Axl/Fili started wailing from the backyard, “This is my sandbox!”

Anders/Bragi sighed and Mitchell rubbed his back, “ Some days it's two steps forward and two steps back.”

“I swear to god, my life is a rom-com,” Anders replied. 

There was a swirl and change but they stayed in the same place, only time has changed. Mitchell and Anders had to face it: it’s hard to be parents and still be lovers. 

“Please tell me that you didn’t get on the subway like that.” Anders begged his husband.

“I only wear this hideous sweater because you bought it for me and I love you,” Mitchell answered.

Axl and Ty (aka Fili and Kili) were a few years older now and dancing wildly in the living room, singing Beatles songs: “Will you still need me? Will you still feed me? When I’m 64.”

Loki must have been a Stones fan, because they quickly rolled into another scene, Mitchell stood talking to Fili and holding a wad of wool, “I’ve found a really weird scarf when taking my walk and I really want to know who the owner is and why his name is written on it.”

“Whose name?”

“Bragi's!”

Suddenly, the god in question came running across the room dragging Kili by the hand. “Fili! We’ve been looking everywhere for you!”

He stopped, turned to Kili and they shared a ‘wtf’ look but went ahead and rolled with it. Kili threw his arms around Fili while Bragi continued talking to Mitchell, “I’m a single dad and I lost my small kid in the mall and you found him!” 

Mitchell raised one eyebrow and pointed to the scarf in his hand, so Bragi just kept talking, “Yes, that’s a bisexuality pride scarf I’m wearing, why do you ask? 

Mitchell rolled his eyes and thrust the scarf he held at the blonde, “I thought it might be crazy scarf challenge day.”

“No,” came his reply, “It's Niagara Falls in barrels challenge day.”

Mitchell snickered, “I hear that's a good place for a honeymoon.”

Bragi just winked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How many prompts did you spot?


	5. Dangerous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another prompt-filled romp through Loki's version of a holodeck in which Fíli, Kíli, Bragi and Mitchell encounter Philip Lombard, Mark and Ruaíri on a wild ride from gun fights to jacuzzis. Filed as a fill for prompt 111 of the WinterFRE: "You’re a hitchhiker and it’s pissing down so I give you a lift and… what do you mean they’re after you?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, this was written by islandkate and edited by me :)

Bragi blinked. Then he blinked again. Mitchell's hair was so short! And straight! And he was standing there in nothing but a towel while some woman named Loreena called him Philip. Bragi was terribly confused. Only then did he realize that his hands were tied and the dwarves were gone.

“I’ve been hired to kill a man, Ms. McKennitt,” Philip pointed out. “The Highwayman. This man is bait to draw him out. If you don't like my methods, wait downstairs.”

The woman left in a huff.

Philip dressed, giving Bragi a fine view in the process, and then came over to sit beside the blonde. 

“Look, I knew the first time I met you that this mission would be difficult to accomplish. But I have a plan. Do you trust me now?”

Bragi had no clue what this was about, but he trusted Mitchell, so he took a deep breath and just nodded. As the sun sank beneath the horizon, he was disguised, gagged, and bound. He was placed on a chair by the window, looking out to the courtyard, bait for all to see. 

"Look for me by the moonlight. I'll come to thee by the moonlight." 

That was the plan, or so Bragi was told. And no sooner did the moon appear than horses were heard galloping into the courtyard. 

Fili and Kili rode up on ponies, dressed in long black trench coats and hats shading much of their faces, but Bragi recognized them. He wanted to cry out and warn them, or use his powers on Philip. Why hadn't he thought about that earlier! A tear slipped from one eye.

A blur of motion wrenched Philip's gun up just before he fired. Before the blonde god could realize what had happened, he was in Mitchell's arms. Now he was scared! Who was the other brunette? 

Mitchell quickly removed the bindings and lifted him into his lap on the bed. Bragi was shivering; he hadn’t been as safe as he he had believed. Would Loki actually let them die in here? This was beginning to feel too real, with the Mitchell look-alike dead on the floor.

Fili and Kili burst through the door, ready to fight. Fili plucked the wig off Bragi's head. Clearly meant to resemble his own hair, he grunted in disgust and threw it on Philip's body.

Shivering and vacillating between terror and fury, Bragi finally spoke, “You knew this was going to happen!” 

But before he could work up a good rant the four materialized in a forest, sitting around a campfire beside a river with two tents behind them.

“This is just great! A camping trip! Everything that can go wrong, does!” Clearly, Bragi was still upset. “I hate Loki. And you all could have come to rescue me sooner! I’m going for a walk along the river!”

Hours later, Bragi returned, clean and calm. He knew the dwarves were asleep and was sure any wildlife within a square mile would stay clear of their snoring. Still, he smiled fondly as he passed their tent.

In the other tent, his gorgeous vampire slept soundly. Even in his sleep he turned Bragi on. Slipping under the covers, Bragi caressed and fondled his hot boyfriend while getting comfortable and almost fell asleep with one hand high on Mitchell's thigh. Then he realized there was something hard, probably a root or a twig, poking his own thigh. He shuffled and wriggled until he found a comfortable spot. But just as he began to let his wandering hands get comfortable again, Mitchell's breathing changed. The hard thing poking Mitchell's thigh was definitely not a twig. Bragi closed his eyes and froze.

“Stop pretending! I know you aren’t sleeping!” Mitchell huffed.

Bragi snorted in his ear, poorly holding in a laugh. Mitchell rolled over, tucking the blonde under him and silencing his laughter with clumsy kisses made more difficult and more fun because they were broken up by more laughter. Fili and Kili woke up, not in their tent, but in an opulent four poster bed. The same bed they had shared during the Victorian detective experience. Fili recognized it then as London, end of the XIXth century. The same place they visited before. While Kili stumbled off to check on Bragi and Mitchell, he searched for a clue. 

Kili padded back into the room a few minutes later and hopped back on the bed, absently patting the space next to him for Fili. He was focused on a piece of parchment in his other hand. 

“Look at this letter they found in an old notebook,” Kili told him. “It says, ‘They are rival artists and hate each other’s guts until they’re victims of the same injustice from the Academy and must team up together.’ What do you think that means?”

“I think it means we're all only friends in this one because someone else did something bad to us.” Fili answered.

“Well, that’s just rude,” Kili said. Anything more was interrupted by their companions knocking, “Come in.”

Fili still stood by the window and his silhouette was outlined a bit murkily against the downpour outside and the explosion of the greenery that was the garden.

Bragi started to comment on the garden but was interrupted by the explosion of greenery morphing into actual explosions. Mitchell threw him to the ground and covered him with his own body.

The noise stopped abruptly and they looked up to see several dozen people staring at them. Gone was the room; a sheepish looking street performer assured everyone that these had just been blanks.

Yet another Kili/Mitchell doppelgänger applauded and said, “Great reaction!”

Many hands were offered to help them up.

“I’m Ruairí,” the speaker continued, “This is my friend, Mark.” Mark, it turned out, looked looked a lot like Bragi, except for longer, curly locks that made him look like an angel. “You lot really got into the spirit of the moment! Isn't this place great!”

Mark smiled. The dimples appeared. Mitchell gaped. “Have you ever thought about growing your hair out?” He asked Bragi without taking his eyes off Mark.

Bragi huffed in response and stormed off in search of Fili and Kili.

Mitchell watched his beloved disappear and knew he would pay for it later, but continued to chat with the new couple. “Are you having a good time?” He asked.

That was all the invitation Ruairí needed. The young brunette proceeded to explain that he and Mark had met at a fandom convention. Mark had been unexpectedly dumped was in dire need of comfort, but Ruairí had been so busy and stressed with the dance party he was dj-ing that he didn’t notice it right away. By the time he figured it out, tears were leaking and he babbled out, “Your mascara is running.” They both burst into laughter and had been together ever since. 

Mitchell couldn't help but laugh. He stayed with the younger couple until he figured out that they were in some kind of multi-fandom amusement park called Nerdvana. They were currently in Westworld and Bragi had gone in the direction of Renaissance Faire. Both men hugged him as they parted. The others mumbled something to each other about a first time in a hayloft. He set off to find his precious.

Kili, meanwhile, was rolling his eyes as he listened to a group of friends, all dressed as pirates, at the next table argue. Fili had left him to guard their table and keep watch for Mitchell while he and Bragi went to get food.

“I’m not going on that stupid company retreat,” complained a very tall blonde with straight platinum hair that fell to at least his waist, “and we need to talk about your obsession with fairy lights.”

A man with equally glorious hair shot him a look, “You can’t go on like this. You’re not eating, you’re not sleeping, and you barely talk. You can lie to yourself but don’t lie to me.” “Shut up,” the first blonde replied, “I’m only here because it’s therapy.”

Before blondie 2 could respond, however, a woman, still with the same amazing hair, spoke like she was seeing a vision, “One works at a ren faire/living history park, the other thinks he’s too cool for that kind of place… Until he meets him…”

Mitchell appeared at just that moment and Kili jumped up to hail him. “John! Over here!” He bellowed, waving his arms wildly. The vampire in question made it to the table just in time to help the blondes distribute a variety of roasted turkey legs, root beer, and something called churros.

The platinum pirates left a map on the table when they departed. Fili quickly snatched it and laid it carefully out on the table for the group to study. He and Kili recognized their arrival location as Renaissance Faire. And he knew from Bragi that those two had burst into Westworld. That just left Treasure Island unknown. He tapped that location on the map with one finger. Kili and Mitchell nodded. Bragi frowned.

Mitchell leaned over ran a hand suggestively across Bragi's bottom. Cool fingers slipped into the waistband. Bragi shivered but tried to maintain his annoyed visage. 

There was a gentle push and the ice cube slipped inside. The shivers took on an odd intensity and Mitchell murmured breathily in Bragi's ear. “You’d be the sexy pirate.”

A man in a large pointed hat stopped them as they walked toward a ship called The Eagle, “You don’t belong here.”

“Gandalf?”

“No,” Bragi explained, “This is Merlin, a distant cousin,” he turned to Tall Hat, “Shouldn't you be off harassing some princeling?”

The two princes behind him huffed.

“Arthur is in Treasure Island on a date with Gwen. You shouldn't be here.”

“Tell that to Loki!”

Merlin made an irritated face waved his staff and everything disappeared.

Hours, days, weeks, months, it could even have been years later, Bragi woke up in the driver’s seat of a large black SUV. Fili and Kili were secured into booster seats on the leather bench behind him. They were still unconscious and he had a terrible headache. Where was John with his magnificent neck rubs now when he really needed one? Wait! Where was John? He threw open the door, followed by the rest of the doors, and the boot. He even looked under the vehicle. By now the dwarves were waking up, struggling out of their restraints, and tumbling out. And if their situation wasn't bad enough, it started to rain.

It took both princes to get Bragi back in the SUV. Neither of them was tall enough to reach the pedals, nor had they any idea how to drive. They managed to calm the god down enough to remember that he had, indeed, driven before. 

But this was different from that SHIELD agent’s red car he had borrowed a few times. A little more encouragement and he was convinced to drive in the direction the car was pointed to retrieve their vampire. Fíli and Kíli still had more trust in Loki not to let anything bad happen. They were sure to run into Mitchell soon enough.

With the two young princes squashed together in the front passenger seat, they set off. Less than a mile down the road, they found Mitchell. He was running toward them and Bragi nearly hit him trying to pull off the road in his path. He had a gash and a goose egg on the side of his head and tried to fight them off.

Fortunately, dwarf and Asgardian strength bested his vampire strength. Still, Bragi had to put all his power into his voice just to make a dent in Mitchell's fear and confusion, “You’re a hitchhiker and it’s pissing down so I give you a lift and…”

Mitchell cut him off, babbling about Herrick and cops, and undertakers. It was difficult to follow because his accent was so thick. Something Loki had done had spooked the vampire and Bragi vowed that for this alone, his brother would pay.

“What do you mean they’re after you?” Kili asked.

“It doesn't matter, nadad,” Fili answered, “Let's get out of here and find a safe place.”

Everyone nodded. Kili stayed in the front seat to help Bragi and Fili bundled Mitchell into a blanket in the back seat. The booster seats had been removed and thrown out.

Luckily, it didn't take long to find a hotel. Bragi went in and convinced the clerk that they had a prepaid reservation for a two-bedroom suite. The manager even offered to send up dinner with strawberries and champagne to celebrate their recent engagement.

Meanwhile, the other three watched as the bellhop pulled four suitcases from the boot and the valet drove off with the SUV. They joined Bragi at the front desk and were then guided to their rooms.

Once inside, they sat on the floor in the lounge area and swapped suitcases around in search of dry clothing appropriate for each of them. One of them contained weird objects that Fili and Kili had never seen, but that made Bragi smirk.

Clothes (and toys in Bragi's case) in hand, both couples retreated to separate bedrooms to get clean, dry, warm and into fresh clothes. It didn't take either long to discover the huge Jacuzzi tubs. And once Bragi had Mitchell safely snuggled against him, skin to skin in a warm bubbling bath, Mitchell's memory returned.

Some time later, both couples shuffled lazily out into the lounge. Fili leaned contentedly against his taller brother, reading a brochure while Kili tried to simultaneously snuggle and braid. Mitchell had Bragi between his legs while applying one of his magnificent neck rubs. A knock on the door interrupted their cozy bliss.

“Don’t open that door!” Fili shouted as Bragi's hand rested on the knob.

The short-haired blonde looked at the long-haired blonde incredulously. “Look, I just got John sorted out. Don't you start now,” he complained.

Another knock and Bragi twisted the knob.

“Um… Did you know this was a nudist resort?” Fili said.

It was too late. Dinner came in on a cart pushed by a voluptuous female server. Her necklace identified her as Michelle. Bragi signed the check, adding a decent tip, without so much as being distracted by her nakedness.

Three faces with mouths agape greeted him after he showed her out, “What? I’m bi but why would I look at her when John is right there?” 

After dinner, he was thoroughly rewarded, twice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it and please comment :)


	6. Modern Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter sees our boys getting a lot of coffee, a lot of action and a trip to Hogwarts.  
> For prompt 122: "Science expirement(s) gone wrong"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, written bei Islandkate, posted and edited by Chelidona

The next morning, they were greeted by a man named Bard who delivered breakfast, but although he was very handsome and very naked he still wasn't enough to tempt any of them away from their partner. (Bragi and Fili both thought that that had been Loki’s intention with the nudist resort. The trickster loved to spread discord).

Bard left a list of the day’s resort activities with their meal and they perused it together while eating. Under the arcade listing, they found something called co-ed naked laser tag. It turned out to be a great idea.

Later they went for a walk in the park. It was a beautiful summer day and they fell asleep under a lush tree.

Not long afterward, Fili woke up cold and confused. Nearby there was this giant pile of dry leaves, and Kili was bouncing around in it.

Fili laughed. Kili stopped playing and blushed, trotting over to Fili's side. “You had a really good look around before jumping into it but I saw you anyway,” Fili chided, “now stop being embarrassed, you’re cute, want to go for a coffee? We’ll warm up and figure out what's going on _now_.”

Kili hip-checked him affectionately and they spotted a Starbucks just a block away. Inside, fortified with hot raspberry mocha lattes, they got lucky and found a seat. Cellphones rang in each one’s pocket and Kili was so badly startled that he spilled coffee all over Fili's shirt.

Fili looked up from his phone as the frantically dabbed his front. “Oh, Mahal! I’m on my way to a job interview!”

How he sometimes knew exactly what he had to do and sometimes was just confused, was something he hadn’t figured out yet.

“Me too!” Kili cried.

They checked the personal information on both phones and realized that Kili lived nearby and could lend him a shirt. Afterward, they each jumped into cabs driven by Mitchell and Bragi who seemed not to recognize them. But they'd have to deal with that later.

Fili ran into the HR manager’s office just on time and… “Oh. It’s you.”

Kili's laughter echoed throughout the office, “Well, you can safely assume you're hired.”

Fili was laughing too, “Can we call the taxis back or do we need to look for them now?”

Outside, Mitchell had spotted Bragi in the other cab. He was leading him on a wild goose chase, pretending he hadn't spotted the tail.

He wouldn't have lasted long in this Spy vs. Spy business if he couldn't master such an elementary task. He made a last minute turn that gave him just enough time to abandon the cab but still be seen entering a hair salon. Mitchell followed, signed in and waited.

After a luxurious shampoo, he was shown to a station and given a glass of wine while he waited for his stylist. The wine was good and he closed his eyes for just a second to savor it. That was all the time it took.

Bragi held a razor-sharp scissors menacingly, “Remember this moment,” he said.

Mitchell smiled, “If I cut my hair, will you leave me? Maybe something very short that doesn't need more than a shampoo and a rub with a towel?”

“Are you crazy? The lengths we go just to spend time together and you ask me that! Today I’m a hairdresser and you storm in with the most gorgeous mane I ever saw and no, I’m not going to give you a fucking buzz cut!!” 

Dating another spy was dangerous, but no matter the scenario, Mitchell’d risk anything for his blonde god, so he swirled the chair around, pulled said blonde into his lap and kissed him quiet. They got so lost in each other that they completely missed the swirl that heralded yet another change.

Fili and Kili found themselves both eating alone in a trendy night club. Apparently both had been stood up on blind dates by some useless idiots and decided to eat together instead, quite happily.

By this time their companions were pretending to be complete strangers doing the dirty in a club bathroom. At one point, Bragi slipped his arms around his lover's waist, and mumbled, “If you go outside now, they’re going to steal you. They want you.”

“Jaysus, love, these night club pick ups are the worst! Maybe I should just go with anonymous sex pre-arranged online.”

Bragi snickered. He actually kind of loved it when Mitchell brushed off the effects of his voice. He tried something else, “Open your mouth. If you do it well, I’ll let you sleep in the bed.”

Mitchell bumped his nose affectionately.

After dinner, Fili and Kili successfully converted their blind date snafu into at least a one night stand (and had great fun pretending it was). Fili had a tray on the bed between them with breakfast in bed. A orange lay untouched with part of the peel removed in the shape of a body. Someone had skillfully removed it with the stringy core standing upright in the position of a suspicious body part. Kili looked at it with a raised eyebrow.

“My roommate’s favorite morning trick,” Fili said with a grin.

"You look tired,” Kili replied, “Maybe we can do something about that suggestion a little later?”

They shared toast and coffee, then Fili snuggled up against the brunette who began to read aloud from the Kindle app on his phone.

_“You just ordered a smile and I look at you like you’re batshit insane before bursting out into laughter,” Steve said._

_“What the hell is this in the coffee pot?” Bucky asked in return._

_“You don’t eat until I give it to you, and you’ve got to earn it,” Steve continued, clearly not quite in his right mind._

_“All I wanted was a piece of toast!” Bucky complained, then he rolled over and opened a small cage, “You wanna meet my pet hissing cockroach? His name is Bob…”_

Across the apartment the roommate and orange peel artiste stretched languorously. The only thing covering him was a sheet strategically pulled up between his legs. His paramour sat in an overstuffed chair across from him, sipping tea and enjoying the view.

A radio played softly in the background, “You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you…”

“Didn’t I see your picture in the paper?” Bragi asked, grinning.

“Hello Bragi, I’m Aoi mac Ollamain, the Irish god of poetry,” the other said with a matching grin. It was a come-back he had been waiting to use for ages.

Eventually, they all made it out of bed and decided to try a movie while they were stuck in this setting. Fili and Kili had never seen one.

That turned out to have been better in theory than practice. Fili and Kili had gone ballistic when the 3D effects attacked them.

Standing in the street, Mitchell said, “I can’t believe we just got kicked out of a movie theatre!”

“I told you we should have gone to the other one!” Bragi reprimanded. “Deadpool is a way better movie than Zombieland!” He and Mitchell argued the merits both films for a while before Mitchell declared that they both paled in comparison to the depth and longevity of the humor in Laurel and Hardy films.

Bragi was silent. He knew Mitchell loved that particular comedic pair, but he had never seen any of their works.

Mitchell saw it in his eyes, “What do you mean you’ve never seen Laurel and Hardy before??” He was incredulous. “The Flying Deuces? Way Out West? Sons of the Desert?”

Bragi put a hand on his shoulder, “Show me? When we finally get out of here, watch them with me?” God of poetry indeed …

With a bright flash, they found themselves standing in Garroway Books and Curious. Photos on the wall could have been either Mitchell or Kili with shorter hair and a neat beard. Three men were destroying the shop, looking for something. One turned around, stared at them and screamed, “There he is!”

Fili and Bragi each simultaneously stepped in front of their “Garroway.”

Showing strength and speed Mitchell had never seen, and that Fili and Kili had only glimpsed at The Battle of the Five Armies, Bragi beat the crap out of all three men, saving the day. He and Thor were considered something of superheroes on Midgard after all. Unfortunately, the fools had already done a good job of destroying the shop.

Mitchell looked at the princes, “Am I tripping or did I really just see that?” They just smiled and shrugged their shoulders. Nothing in Loki’s chamber of horrors seemed impossible anymore.

Bragi returned to them carrying what was left of a chair. A leg and part of an arm dangled uselessly in his hand, “I think I broke it.” 

Mitchell laughed as he threw himself into an embrace.

When he stepped back, he was alone with Bragi in a university office. They had to squint a bit to read the sign on the door, backwards through pebbled glass:

_Dr. John Mitchell_

_Dr. Anders Johnson_

_Occult Science_

On the opposite side of campus, Kili ran out of the shower, right into Fili. Again! He had a fuzzy memory of this having happened before.

The blonde laughed. “We always run into each other after a shower and we’re always only wearing towels. Let me take you to dinner and see you with clothes on?”

It took less than fifteen minutes for them both to dress and meet back in the hallway for the walk to Fili's favorite pub. He knew it was his favourite because he had one of their beermats in his room.

“Excuse me, can I borrow your laptop?” Fili asked as he dropped into the booth next to his friend Ori.

Ori practically wailed in surprise and dismay. Fili quickly cut him off and made introductions when he realised this Ori didn’t know Kili while they budged around the curve of the large circular booth and resettled..

“My science experiment’s gone wrong!" Ori continued complaining, "My results are due to Drs. Mitchell and Johnson this week and my experiment completely blew up!”

A long slim arm covered in dark hair reached between them and snatched up the laptop, reading what Ori had written. “You’ve been cloned and you discover it and you learn to live with it, but fall in love with the partner of your original.” Mitchell snorted, “You made a clone and that's what you're worried about?”

Ori fainted.

Doc Johnson rose up on his toes to read over his partner’s shoulder. He leaned closer and squinted.

“Stop pretending you can read this and put on your fucking glasses you vain idiot,” Mitchell ordered.

For a moment they found themselves back in the original chamber. Fili bolted toward the door. He didn't make it. The door he opened revealed a lake, a castle and Space Mountain.

He turned back and saw the room beribbonedand filled with flowers. Mitchell read card he pulled from a flower arrangement and said, “We won a wedding at Disney.”

“Odin will never accept that,” Bragi said, “but you two…” He turned and Kili had crumpled to the floor.

Mitchell stood frozen.

Fili kept yelling, “What have you done?” His ire was directed at an old, bent crone in the corner.

“Oh no, princeling. I haven’t done anything,” the witch whispered. “It’s your love that will destroy him.”

Mitchell's eyes turned black and his fangs dropped. The witch was human and he could hurt her.

She actually seemed surprised by that when he was growling, only inches from tearing out her throat.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” she said.

“I don't care how you meant it!” Fili screamed, cradling his little brother to his chest, “Fix it or I let him eat you.”

Mitchell growled menacingly in her ear.

She whispered a few words and Kili coughed weakly. He opened his eyes and softly called, “Fee?” Then everything disappeared in a cloud of green smoke.

Everyone coughed from the green cloud and Fili clutched Kili tighter, feeling one of the others touch his shoulder. When the air finally cleared, a squad of Secret Service agents encircled them with guns drawn.

“Mr. President? Sir! Are you alright?”

“What happened?” Fili asked.

“Not sure, Sir. But we need to get you and your family to a secure location until we know.” The agent spoke into a mic on his wrist, “POTUS, Arrow, Dracula, and Chaucer are secure.”

Another agent took Kili and carried him gently, walking next to Fili. “The doctor will meet us in the bunker, Sir. I am sure your husband will be fine.”

Fili stopped. Husband. He never thought about it in such concrete terms and these people accepted it as just an everyday thing. 

Kili was right to have been angry. He was a selfish, spoiled princeling who took the gift that was his beloved for granted. A hand at his elbow reminded him that they needed to keep going.

Every cabinet member, senator, and congressman in the building had been hustled into the bunker. Representative Brock was ranting about something and blaming it on Bragi.

“Ms. Brock!” Fili shouted, “As I am president and you’re stuck with my delusional ideas and we all know you really don’t like me, do us all a favor and shut up.”

Stifled snickers filtered through the room.

“All right! You won!” She said. “Are you happy now?” 

The doctor came over and interrupted to tell him Kili would be fine. He looked over to where Bragi and Mitchell were hovering.

Tell me a story?” Kili asked.

“Ahh, yes,” Bragi smiled, “The tale of the passive-aggressive post-it note bandit.”

Mitchell stroked his cheek, getting into the spirit. “I fell in love with your handwriting.”

Fili, Kili, and Mitchell all fell asleep listening to the soothing sound of Bragi's voice, as golden as his hair. When even Mitchell snored, he curled up around them and drifted into slumber.

It was very disturbing to wake up alone. The dank stone walls and dark green bedding did nothing to make him feel better. After tiny panic fit and a pee, he finally recognized Hogwarts from the films Thor watched frequently. He sat on his bed and pondered the situation. Knowing Loki and the rivalry between Hogwarts houses, his idiot brother had each of them in separate houses and thus obliged to hate each other. Loki thrived on strife.

Sure enough, when he got to the Great Hall he found Fili in Ravenclaw, Kili in Gryffindor, and Mitchell in Hufflepuff. He didn't see any characters he recognized among the other students, so there was no telling where this story might go. The headmaster cleared his throat and clarified the rumors spreading about Grindelwald being caught in New York City. So, the time of Fantastic Beasts then …

It took until well past lunch for them all to sneak out and gather at the edge of the forbidden forest. Bragi somewhat reluctantly revealed his ability to shapeshift, turning into a great golden eagle. Far from being repulsed, Mitchell grinned, flexed his shoulders and sprouted huge bat wings. Somehow he had known he would be able to do this in this universe.

“My little housebat,” Bragi mused.

After a picnic happily provided by the house elves, the two winged members of the party picked up a prince each and took off for a thrilling ride. 

Loki had once again failed to divide them.

Somewhere in the clouds the fluffy white became a swirling rainbow and they fell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this little bit of madness :)


	7. Trouble bubble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From Broadway to Ghost Hunting .... being trapped by Loki is taking its toll on Bragi and the god is close to breaking.  
> For prompt 11: “Baby, no that is not justifiable homicide, do not kill him, wait!”

Somewhere in the clouds the fluffy white became a swirling rainbow and they fell right onto a large stage. The other dancers auditioning tripped over their bodies to the tune of Greased Lightning and they created more of a mess than a food fight in The Frosty Palace.

Somewhere beyond the lights, a voice was screeching, “This may not be Broadway Theatre, but I at least expected competency!”

“Ivan?” Mitchell asked.

“John Mitchell? How dare you even try to be in my production of Grease! I told you during the break-up that I never wanted to see you again!” The disembodied screech was rising in pitch with each word, making everyone cringe and close their eyes.

Then it got eerily quiet. Mitchell had barely time to wonder how Loki got Ivan into the simulation - how had the god known about that story?

The four found themselves on a quiet side street somewhere tropical. Kili spotted an aquarium store and asked to go inside to see the fish.

Inside, he found a young blonde with shimmering scaly patches on his legs and braided dreads. Kili thought he looked like a merman and suspiciously like the chef from their banana escapade.

The other three grew impatient and followed their youngest member inside. They found him deep in conversation among the huge glass boxes of fish. The man he was talking to kept touching his hair and repeating his name. A phone in his hand was on speaker.

“Fee! I am not in your shop. I'm on the phone. How can I be in two places at once?”

“Kili! Kili! Come see!” The blonde babbled excitedly. Despite his confusion and excitement, this blonde was a good salesman and had a bunch of stuff on the counter for “Little Kili” to purchase and take home.

Having his Fili beside him broke the spell over Kili, and he noticed the pile. “Hey,” he said, “I just stopped to look at the pretty fish, why am I letting you sell me an aquarium…”. Fili punched him for being rude. “...and could you stop by and give me more lessons on how to take care of the fish I just bought?”

Hopefully, they had a house in this particular place.

MerFi, as Kili thought of him to keep things straight, ended up closing the shop when his Kili arrived. They all squashed into his mother’s VW Bug and drove to the address on the quartet’s drivers licenses. 

It turned out to be right on the ocean and had plenty of room for the fish and equipment. And afterwards MerFili and Big Kili took their new friends out for surfing lessons.

After a good bit of falling off like they had two left feet, they finally succeeded in standing on their boards, not just on the beach, but actually riding a wave. Then the big kahuna rolled in and toppled them like marionettes with their strings cut. But it was all good and they were laughing at least as much as sputtering when the wave deposited them on the beach.

All four lay in the sun, laughing and drying out, until Mitchell realized it was a different beach, and their surfing instructors were gone. He jumped to his feet at looked around. The sudden movement alerting the others to potential danger.

Mitchell paced the beach, looking at the rock formations, and frowning. Bragi lay back, enjoying whatever brief respite, “He'll figure out whatever he's onto and let us know,” he advised the boys. 

He'd realized how young they truly were a while ago and had begun to think of them as kid brothers. Despite the tempestuous relationships with his own brothers, he firmly believed you could never have too many people who loved you and who you loved in return. 

In a short time Fili and Kili had become more like real family to him than any of his numerous brothers Ullr, Baldr, Hodr, Vali, Vidal, Tyr, Thor, or Loki. Okay, he was pretty fond of Thor, but Loki was always Thor’s favorite so he and Thor had never been close.

“Neverland!” Mitchell shouted.

Bragi buried his face in his hands, that just sucked.

Mitchell's clothes had morphed into a red fancy red pirate jacket with black satin trews, a sash, a belted sword, and a huge feathered hat. Bragi's became green tights, a short green tunic that just covered everyone’s favorite asset, and a matching triangular cap with a red feather. For some reason, he also sucked a lollipop. Fili and Kili wore only drop bottom long footie pajamas.

At the far end of the beach, a small group of ewoks… no, young boys in animal onesies, stood around a small grave. They looked up and noticed the newcomers, quickly running to their side, cutting Mitchell from the group and placing themselves defensively between him and Bragi.

“Peter! John! Michael! You came back! Why are you with Hook?”

Almost unbelievably, the Lost Boys thought Mitchell and Bragi were Captain Hook and Peter Pan, two childhood friends separated by life when teenagers, now back together inexplicably to attend a funeral 15 years later. 

Deciding to embrace the absurdity together, they drank the night away and “remembered” their carefree days. Fili even got into the spirit and made up the Tale of the Forgotten Umbrella. Eventually, they all passed out in a comfortable heap.

A return visit to Hobbiton greeted them on awakening. A return for Fíli and Kíli, of course, as Mitchell and Bragi had never been there, but were delighted to see the place they had heard so much about. The annual dwarven variety show had been just the night before and there were still a few familiar faces snoring in various rooms of Bag End. Still, meeting young Frodo, Merry, Sam, and wee Pippin was a joy they never expected. Bilbo was overjoyed to see them and quickly pressed them into his master babysitting service. Fili entertained the fauntlings with the Great Mystery of the Disappearing Yarnballs. Then everyone enjoyed going through a photo album. How Bilbo got pictures of infant dwarflings mystified them, but Gandalf got blamed. 

Gandalf didn't get blamed when the world suddenly changed again however. That fell squarely on Loki's shoulders, and Bragi's frustration with his brother was getting deeper and more serious.

In what was obviously some kind of Ghost Hunter story now, Fili and Kili sat in a dark Impala listening to the radio. The local radio host was obviously Bragi. He finally stopped ranting about his imbecile brother and took up his regular topic, talking to lonely strangers needing comfort from 3 to 4 AM.

“I’m trying to avoid you at our high school 10 year reunion,” the first caller said. Bragi hung up without trying to figure out what that was about.

The next caller tried to justify her love of a particular ship, for which she got hate in the fandom. “Stop talking about fanfiction please,” Bragi whined, “I wrote that fucking book you know?” He hung up again.

A few minutes later, a very distraught man called and the host literally fell in love with the “stranger’s” voice. (It was Bragi on the radio, and Mitchell calling in, both Fili and Kili rolled their eyes at the obviousness.) 

The sap-o-meter pegged when Bragi, or at least his character in this current bit of play acting, admitted on air that, “I’m destined to die in two weeks but I just met you and want to do all my life goals before dying.”

Silence filled the air, broken only by a choked sob and slamming doors.

Slamming doors changed to splintering doors as Fili, Kili, and Mitchell just smashed their way to Bragi.

When they found him, he was sitting behind the microphone silently - no more tears or sobs, just blank-faced. “He’s actually going to let us die in here, isn't he,” the blonde said, still in shock. “My brother will leave us to die.”

Mitchell kissed his love gently on the lips without response, then leaned back to look seriously. “If that’s true, then I’m only kissing you because it’s midnight on New Year’s Eve and all our friends have paired off.”

Bragi smiled half-heartedly at this attempt at humour and leaned into his vampire. Mitchell gripped him tightly.

“If you really only had two weeks, I’d turn you. I hate the idea, but I’m not ready to give up yet,” Mitchell said.

“Do it!” Kili shouted, “Just do it! Show that idiot he can't control us!”

Bragi nodded and bared his throat.

The next thing he knew, he was looking up at the satin lining of a coffin.

He screamed and used his power to blast his voice out ordering anyone in the vicinity to open the coffin and get him out.

“Bragi?” He heard the familiar voice before the lid even opened, “You scared the hell out of us! We've been looking for you everywhere!”

Mitchell had yanked the lid off so hard that splinters had caused a few small lacerations on Bragi's beautiful face. He licked them clean and sealed them before hesitantly touching their lips together, resulting in blood-flavoured kisses.

Bragi was still upset though, when they helped him out of the coffin. “I’ve been buried alive by accident and you _happen_ to be the gravedigger and _I_ scared the hell out of _you?_ ” He hissed, eyes black, fangs dropped.

“Baby,” Mitchell started. (Fili and Kili had backed up at least ten feet.) “You got stuck with my curse somehow, but I’m not ready to take it back.”

“Not ready to take it back?” Bragi picked up a bench and threw it toward the Impala, parked on the street next to the cemetery. He missed and hit the car next to it.

That brought a police officer out of the Krispy Kreme across the street. “Luke Morgan! Is that you? I told you to stay out of trouble!” 

“Officer,” Fili tried to interject, “this is obviously a case of mistaken identity. My friend’s name is Bragi, not Luke. Luke is someone completely different.”

“So you do know Luke! That's suspicious enough to take you all in after what I just saw. Assume the position!”

Fili had no idea what the position was, nor did Bragi or Kili.

Mitchell rubbed his temples, “Please, officer. Before you arrest me I can explain everything.” 

“Really?” The officer looked from the damaged car to Mitchell, “You can explain how your friend, who looks just like a well-known local trouble maker but allegedly isn't, is strong enough to throw a bench and wreck my car?” He holstered his gun and put his hands on his hips, “I would truly like to hear this.”

“Oh, that was _your_ car,” Mitchell stammered, “…..ah…oops?”

They ran.

As luck would have it, they came across the SHIELD agent’s red sports car and Bragi had to show it off. So they stole it. Two hours later, they stopped for lunch and lost their car in a city car park.

Kíli found it again in a different car park. In actuality, Agent Coulson had merely retrieved Lola and then been unlucky enough to park her where Kili could spot her. By then, the leaves had turned orange and according to the newspaper, it was 6 months later. 

For them, it had felt like one night had passed. They started to argue how long they had actually been in Loki’s chamber of horrors. Days? Weeks? Maybe only hours that felt so much longer? They began arguing heatedly. At least, Fili, Kili and Mitchell did. Bragi became quiet, despairing again. He was convinced it didn’t matter, they would all die apart from Mitchell who couldn’t and who would likely forget all about Bragi when Loki supplied him with imitations of Bragi. They had met a second version of Fili and Kili. There had been the incident with Mark, whom Mitchell had already liked too much. How could he even be sure that the Mitchell in front of him was really his Mitchell and not some illusion? How did he know that he was not actually alone here, with Loki just making up his companions, who were really partying outside?

Apollo, as Bragi was once, sucked them right out of the chamber because of the too intense emotion on Bragi’s part.

Mitchell, Fili, and Kili found themselves in a beautifully whitewashed and marble palace high in the clouds. Bragi was missing from their midst. Another man, tall, dark, handsome, and glowing with an inner light stood where Bragi had been.

“Hello,” he said, “I am Apollo.”

“You look like Bard,” Fili said.

“Do I? Who's Bard?” was the answer.

Before Fili or Kili could answer, Mitchell cut to the chase, “Where is Bragi?”

Apollo gestured to indicate himself.

Mitchell raised an eyebrow doubtfully.

“What I mean is that I will one day be known as Bragi. Here and now, I am known as Apollo.”

Three pairs of lips pursed in disbelief.

Apollo sighed. “I do not have Bragi's memories, but he will have mine. I can show you something that may help you understand.” He led them to a mirror and showed them a young blonde with tight leather pants and long blonde hair.

“Bragi!” Mitchell stepped forward but Apollo laid a gentle hand on his chest to stop him.

“No. This man is Iolaus. He is distantly related, friend and cousin of my half-brother Heracles. I cannot tell you why Bragi looks like him, but I would ask you to rescue him while I heal Bragi.”

“Deal.” Mitchell didn't even have to think about it.

Apollo waved and a burst of light transported Mitchell.

Iolaus was in trouble. He was held prisoner in a galley, condemned to row to exhaustion every day. Next to him, a wild mysterious brunette was also chained. He wondered if they would be able to team up and escape. The brunette looked at him intensely but had yet to communicate or touch him.

Fili and Kili watched through the mirror.

Apollo reclined. 

True to his word, he helped Bragi heal, but it had to happen in his head and he was a bit cranky. Sometimes, the princes heard him make comments that were undeniably Bragi and just smiled brightly.

“Why doesn't Iolaus talk to Mitchell?” Kili asked.

“Because he only speaks Ancient Greek, you idiot!” Apollo/Bragi retorted.

The dwarves smiled.

Eventually, Apollo sighed, stretched, stood up, and muttered, “Ass.” He walked over to the mirror and watched Mitchell and Iolaus interact. He turned to Fili and Kili, “Have they touched each other at all yet?”

“Not that we have seen.” Kili replied. He looked and Fili, confirmed with a pair of nods, turned back to Apollo, and said, “No.”

“Ok, good. When they touch, I can yank them back here.”

It wasn't long before Mitchell smiled and laid an encouraging hand gently on the blonde’s wrist. Before the taskmaster’s whip fell, Apollo had them.

Iolaus hugged everyone, including Apollo, before leaving with Heracles.

Apollo quickly returned the others to their own time and place before anyone else hugged him.

So everyone hugged their restored Bragi.

When they broke apart, Loki and Ullr were standing in the open chamber doorway.

All four of the previously trapped occupants stared, unsure if it was just another trick.

Loki broke the silence, “I am not boring you, am I?”

The small blonde Norse god launched himself at his tall, dark, and devious brother. Only Mitchell's vampire speed and reflexes caught him in time. “Baby,” he begged, “No! That is not justifiable homicide! Do not kill him! Wait!”

The vampire pulled his love tight against him while the two dwarf prince stepped protectively in front of them. “We have all the time we need. Let him think he's gotten away with it,” Mitchell whispered into his ear, looking innocent, “Revenge is a dish best served cold.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus it ends (for now).  
> Every prompt from the WinterFRE is accounted for - you can check if you like ;)


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